Friday, December 21, 2012

PAINFUL HOLIDAYS

Its almost Christmas....and it hurts so bad that she is not here...it feels empty,sad and quiet. Noone in the house is in the holiday spirit. Not that we havent tried because we really have, we bought a tree...its still not decorated. We didnt buy gifts,not that I didnt try.It was one emotional visit to the store after another. But dont worry the kids will get lots like they do every Christmas.
Oh how I miss my Nevaeh...how i miss her running through the house,giggling and singing. Being her cherrful self,annoying Mateo while he plays video games,making us eat all her "food" made out of Play-doh. Making "coffee" for her daddy with her tea cups.
I miss her silly faces,oh man did she have some silly faces. I miss her fast sassy comebacks and the way she looked at you like you were stupid when you tried to show her how to do something. cause of course she was princess Nevaeh and could do everything perfect. That was my spunky girl.
I try to not think anymore about the why's and the what if's. I try to think if the impact she made on others and all she is still doing....
I am trying to look at Christmas for what it is,The day Jesus was born...not about presents,or decorations,just the day Christ was born...and thats good enough for me.

I hope that everyone that reads this has a sweet Christmas.....

Monday, November 26, 2012

So hard....

Lately it seems like it has been super hard to come here,to read here,to write here and to think here.
Lots has happened since I was last here,we did a day of remembrance for her on Oct.29th. That was hard in so many ways, we had big plans of what we wanted to do but it didn't turn out that way. We did go to the butterfly museum and to eat and built a fire in the back yard,sat around and listened to music. We planned on go to the park to have a picnic in "our spot",where we used to go just me and her...my princess and her daddy. we ate,talked and fed the ducks,we pushed her in the stroller and made her laugh and she made us laugh with her craziness....
Going there was way to hard...we loved seeing the butterflies but it was all bittersweet. We didn't want to push the kids into doing anything they couldn't handle. so we left.
We thought we might talk about her and share stories that we remembered,stories that made us laugh,and stories that made us happy....but it was to hard...so we didn't. But we all knew what the other was thinking.
We took her flowers,me and the boys. Fili decided to go alone,to have daddy time with his princess. He planted pretty purple flowers around the headstone. When I went with the boys there was already a purple pumpkin there that notes from all the little kids that would of been in her class  written on it.
We took her another small pumpkin that the boys bought her and the flowers.... Oh and her princess Olivia Balloon.





We also did the walk on November 10th,that was great because I got to share her story with so many people,right after I spoke a huge orange butterfly flew in front of us and we all felt her presence,we all felt peace,and all we could do was smile....
Thanksgiving came and that was emotionally draining...I seriously need a break...
Sometimes I feel that I am always being strong,for me and for everyone else. If I let go of it all the tears might never stop,and what if I drown....

Saturday, October 13, 2012

one year ago...need your help

 
It's coming so fast...a whole year since last holding her,tears just overflow my eyes till the vision is all gone...all that's left is painful floods of emotions. I miss her more than I could ever explain...
Sometimes I feel as though the pain itself of living without her will surely kill me. Is it possible to die from a broken heart???
So as this year approaches my husband and I have decided to get off work,and the kids off school and be all together. We want to spend the day doing things for her,things she would of enjoyed. So first we will go to the butterfly museum and then have a picnic at Hermann Park.( After her Dr's app me,her,and her daddy would have a little picnic at the park in the grass,then feed the ducks).
After that I am not too sure what we can do...I mean what do you do to honor them but not make it sad....I know we are going to be sad and maybe even cry...but I'm trying not to...Any ideas???
If anyone has any ideas please leave a comment.
 
 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Painful reminders....

Seems like lately things have been hard,i mean super hard. No,the anger hasnt came back. But the hurt is deep and the painof not having her here is raw....


We took the kids to Trader's Village the other day,I was looking around and the lady at the stand was having a discussion with her teen daughter. Not so much an argument but perhaps a disagreement. The lady started walking towards me and said to me(talking about her daughter sense she was frustrated with her) "Do you want a daughter?"
I was speechless...what could I say to that?? I wanted to say,you have no idea lady how much i want MY daughter!!! Or are u Stupid lady,you should really think about your words....but I said nothing.... I acted like I didn't even hear her,like nothing was ever said,as I bet my bottom lip I wanted to cry.

Oh man,How I miss her,the tears come so much more often in the day,I try to stop them but I cant. I keep thinking about the good memories we have with our princess and what a glittery mess she was!
I try and see the beauty in her life and in what she still does in her death....I would give it all up to have her back.
To smell her sweet scent,to feel her wet smoochy kisses,to be enveloped in her big,warm hugs,to hear that squeaky lovely voice,to heat that exaggerated,loud bellowing laugh of hers, the silly over the top faces she would make that would have you  laughing in tears,the crazy outrageous things that would come out of her mouth,the funny words she would say and make up..... I wish I could have it all back...have her back.
Reality is a slap in the face.I wont have her back...She is gone.
The other day my cousin called me so excited that she dreamt of Nevaeh,How sweet it was for me to hear that my princess visited her in a dream...I wondered why she never visits mine?
Does she think it would hurt too much,does she think I am not strong enough...I wish I could tell her to visit my dreams...But maybe she would be right,maybe it would be too much.
the year mark is sneaking up on me...I don't know how its going to be for us but we have decided to have a Nevaeh day. Fili and I will get off work and the kids will miss school that day and we will have a Nevaeh day. Go and do something she loved and spend the day for me...
Sigh,we will see how that goes....
Its almost a year..and I wish I could tell you its better...but its not. I am in a different place but I cannot say its better. Just different....


Monday, September 24, 2012

So Its been awhile...

Lots has happened sence last time I was here,Lots of good things and some confusion in the mix.
I find myself in a different place I was before,a little bit of healing has helped my soul....
Someone told me the other day,I know your mad at God and you have every right to be. I thought about it awhile and didn't know how to respond. I thought about it more when I got home and figured this out: I am no longer mad,or angry...I am not too sure what I am but i know its not either mad or angry. i cant say this will not change cause I just don't know but now all I want is a relationship with God. I want to absorb the beauty of his gifts and dwell on the FACT that Nevaeh is no longer hurting,she is no longer in pain and IS in Heaven. and I know this not because I choose to believe this but because she told me. God gave me that gift through her and I so want to embrace it.
I am LOVING my job and the relationships I have built there.I am grateful for this gift from God. I have been given open doors to share Nevaeh's story and gift of Hope. The other day I had the privilege to go to TCH and share her story in front of lots of doctors,nurses,child life and so on...
I was with my good friend Fran and we both shared the journeys we went through with our beautiful daughters. It was hard,emotional and bitter sweet but it was so worth sharing.
I find myself in a place I want to stay,not fixed but working with the broken pieces of myself...doing the best I can to show the world God's Gift and the strength of his promises.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

waterworks started early this morning.....

Today I woke up sad,and tired.my body ached and my soul was sore.
Its been pretty calm for me emotionally here lately...i cry everyday still but not so often.
I try not to let myself go there, i try not to let my mind be overcomed by this pain...
but today...well today was just hard! Everything about it was hard.
I woke up missing her, missing her more then I can say...aching for her voice,yearning for her embrace,dying to see her face.Wishing God would of just let me keep her...
I got ready for work and made breakfast for everyone before I left and wondered if she would of eaten today...if she were still here. Somedays she couldn't eat because she was so sick...but sometimes she ate really really well.
Then I packed my lunch for work..I found her hello kitty lunchbox on top of the fridge last night.So I asked my friend if it would be weird for me to use it,she didnt think so.So I planned on packing my lunch in her lunchbox....
It made me miss her more.
When I got to work I saw her pic on my desk...
It made me miss her more.
I was glad to see her smile and her sweet face.
Then a co-worker brought pics of her kids to work.Her son and her daughter....
that was a hard one...her daughter was beautiful,she was blowing out her birthday cake...she birthday cake with the number 7 on it....she was turning 7 yrs old....Nevaeh would of been 7 yrs old.(sigh)
It made me miss her even more...
Then I thought about blessings from heaven...like my job.Thats a huge huge blessing!! The people I have met there and the ones I have known sense Nevaeh was diagnosed...All awesome ladies.
The blessings of God that were nowhere to be found before...when she was sick,when she was dying.
It made me miss her even more...
I thought outloud: I would lose every material thing I have,anyone blessing I have received....just to have her back...
Just to have been able to keep her....
Just to be with my Nevaeh.
tears overflowing all day....

Monday, August 20, 2012

looking for God...

This week at our church we had camp meeting all week long,its when several preachers from all over come and preach and everyone there is looking for a little glimpse of heaven and for the power of God...It can be a pretty powerful meeting...
Well for me this week was hard,i felt no God, no grace, no peace, no Love.....just pain...
I went there with a different mind set then usual,i went looking for the Lord...
Its hard to pay attention to the preaching and to these great men of God when you are so full of pain,confusion,and a little bit of resentment....
resentment that she is not there....she is not running the ailes,she is not singing her favorite hymnals,she is not sleeping in my arms while the preacher is preaching....she was not there.
It all reminds me of the awful truth that I try not to think of...its almost a year..
October is almost here,memories swamp my mind and painful thoughts of what if's and why's consume my brain,so much so that I haven't slept in 2 days...no sleep at all. not even a moment....
my mind goes 100 miles an hour,it speeds through thoughts,fears,emotions of anger,sadness,and suffocating grief....it brings up tears and throat tightening swallows. No sleep just grief.
I went to work today trying to clear my mind so I can do something special for her...not only for her but for other families like mine...or families that will one day be like mine...I hate thinking one day another mother will walk in my shoes...cancer sux! kids having cancer really sux! kids are not suppose to die,their not suppose to know what cancer means and what it can do to them,they are not suppose to know this pain...Nevaeh,my beautiful princess should be here i my arms,as i ravish her in my kisses and hugs! whispering silly but sweet nothings in her ear,putting daisies and hair bows that her fav person Fran made her all up in her hair....
as I was saying I was at work today and I was nervous,but I did a good job and was so happy to be there,i feel  like home there...like she wants me there,not at home,drowning in tears..but doing something to make a difference.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Dear Nevaeh,

Hello my darling princess,
I just wanted to let you know I miss you...I miss you more than I could ever explain, I miss you more than you could ever know. Last night I missed church...I kept thinking all week how this week makes a year that you were fighting for your life,it makes a year that the cancer fought back and the chemo decided to not work....a year ago this week you were laughing and playing and wanting to live...you were only a baby...a 6 yr old princess,who had just celebrated a birthday,who had just started getting excited about going to school....but then the relapse happened and cancer wanted a fight! he came back strong took over most of  your body....but you tried,you fought as hard as you can...but I know you were tired.you had already fought for so long...almost 3yrs of constant fighting,and constant pain.
I wish so much that you didn't know this fight,that you didn't know the pain of cancer...I wish you would of never known the pain of losing your hair,not once,not twice but three times,I would of given anything for you not to know the pain of pancreatitis,or the pain of surgeries and infections,the fears of nosebleeds,and blood filled vomit,the painful sores that took over your mouth,throat and esophagus....so much for a little princess to know....
this week I stared my training at LLS,I have to tel you I'm nervous but I am doing it all for you my angel,I want to continue the fight....the fight against cancer,the fight against this pain. I met a lady there who is a leukemia survivor. I like her,shes very sweet and ask lots about you. She cried one day and told me she was sorry,sorry for what I said..Sorry that she survived and you didn't,she was angry that life happened that way. And asked if I was.....No baby I'm not.I am mad for other reasons but not because some survive and you didn't...I wish this pain on no one...I wish this emptiness in your soul and the pain that devours your whole being on NO ONE....I wish no one knew this pain...but unfortunately they do.....
I miss you Nevaeh,
I miss your smell,I miss your beautiful toothless smile,I miss you big beautiful eyes, I miss your beauty,I miss your spunkiness,and your glitter all through the house. I miss you more and more everyday....
I'm not sure how much more I can do this,live without you...a lifetime seems impossible...



I miss OUR family....

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I see her everywhere....



I can see her everywhere and in everything...
in the movies i watch,in the stores i go,in the children i see,in the voices I hear...
shes always there...
I see her in the skies,in the clouds shapes and colors,i see her in the wildflowers that grow profusely in the fields,i see her in the butterflies that visit her garden,I see her in the laughter of her brothers....
Shes always there....
I went to open house for the boys yesterday,she should of been there...she would of been in 2nd grade...and would of had a great teacher.
It hurt to not see her name...it hurt to not have her there...
When the boys got home they watched a movie and my oldest son grabbed her picture from the piano and put it on the couch as if she were sitting there with them watching the movie....
I see her in the words that I speak, in the songs that I hear, in the beauty of my mind...
Yesterday I got a call from LLS(leukemia &lymphoma society) I do alot of fundraising for them and have always dreamed of working there...The call was a job offer! I was so excited! I thought how proud she would be of me for working there,for wanting to help make a difference,for wanting to help fight for the cause...I accepted and am more than thrilled about it all! In the back of this excitement I think,if only I could of made a difference for her...if only's run through my head all day long...but seem to be not so often.
Honestly I can see her all over this opportunity....
I will make her proud!
I miss her so very much and would trade all this to have her back....but i know it wont happen this side of heaven ...heaven cant come soon enough.

Monday, August 6, 2012

I found this poem I wrote for Nevaeh
Before she died....
Before cancer won...
Before when she fought...



My Little Warrior Princess,how strong and mighty you seem to me.
How much Grace you have upon thee.
How powerful your Lord must be,
to have given you this great strength I see.
Even on those dark bleak days
you seem to have a smile at play
Your heart is loving and at peace
a glow about you seems to release

You are my warrior so strong and brave,
all this to you God he gave.
If only I could be so strong,
If only I didn't know what all could go wrong.
If only I knew the RIGHT answer,
to help you beat this evil cancer.


My warrior princess so pretty and bright
May God continue to give you his light.
May he carry you through this valley
and see you through to the finale.
So long a journey left to go
you are a strong warrior princess with a powerful glow.
Given to you by God up above
Made with his 100% love


Cancer is so STRONG,
It has no fear,no compassion,
It does not discriminate, it does not care,
It doesn't think of innocence,it doesn't think of pain,
It doesn't think of heartache or of love....
It doesn't care she fought!It doesn't care she tried,
It doesn't care she was LOVED, It doesn't care she will be missed...





Friday, August 3, 2012

Looking back

Last family trip-six flags

the kids GOT MILK?

I sit here trying to not suffocate in this pain,I sit here looking for something to smile about,I look back at the sweet memories we shared ,like the last family vacation a few months before she relapsed....and the pic of the kids doing a Got Milk commercial days before she relapsed...
I want to be totaly honest on here and not pretend that all is well with my soul because its not! This sux!Life without my precious Nevaeh sux!
I never thought I would ever feel the emotion of being cheated,Ive heard people say that all over and over.I always thought :no,i don't feel that way....But I guess I do. I feel like I was suppose to raise her,and love her and she was my gift...that he just took back...and left a broken shattered heart in her place.
I read alot of the news stuff online sense I don't have a TV and I come across all these cases of child abuse EVERYDAY!!! babies being burned,children being molested..what the heck people!!!! I wanted my daughter more than Ive ever wanted anything in this world!!! and these people hurt their gifts from God,they hurt these babies...I don't get it!
My boys are growing so fast and don't seem to need their mama as much,They are teenagers and one is a ten yr old who is obsessed with playing video games with his uncle on line! SO mommy doesn't really interest them right now.Nevaeh was my side kick,everyone that knew us knew that she was ALWAYS with me!....I miss that...I miss her.
Ive been working on a scrapbook for her with my friend Pearl and I have to tel you its been bittersweet. I love looking at the old pics of her and talking about her with Pearl but then it hits me...she never got to go to school...she was soooo smart! and I'm not just saying that cause she is my daughter I am so serious.
I had her hair bows ready to match her uniforms,i had her black chucks with pink sparkly shoe laces,her awesome socks,her brand new bag back(that i probably spent way too much on) she was almost ready fr school.....then the relapse happened!UUUGGGHHHH!!!! I HATE cancer,I HATE that children have to die!, I HATE trying to live life without her! I HATE this pain!



Sunday, July 29, 2012

Is it better to have loved and lost then never loved at all??

I was having a conversation about the lose of our children and how everyone is so different in their grieving. Yes our pain is all so strong,and profound but we all are so very different.
I have been pondering on this famous quote and I have come to the conclusion that this quote is CRAP!
Before I ever became pregnant with my daughter Nevaeh I was fine,sure I had obstacles with my boys.Having a son that is autistic and another who is hearing impaired can equal a house full of chaos.  But that was normal... My heart was full and content.
Then a deep desired dream that was hidden in the deep abyss of my heart happened....I found out I was pregnant.I didn't know I was pregnant because according to the Dr's I had too many women problems. Anyways I didn't know I was already 14weeks along...My heart was so full because of my boys,instead of expanding it simply over flowed.....And continued to overflow like a water fountain for 6 sweet years...
Then when she got sick at 4 yrs old,I never imagined that she would die.I knew she would go through alot of pain and suffering but I KNEW she would NOT die!
Then he took her....he gave me the greatest LOVE in the world and took it from me.
A cruel,cruel joke in my eyes....
And as crazy as this may sound to others I would rather have never known this beautiful love,Id rather have not known the sweet precious smile of my Nevaeh, I'd rather not have seen the loveliness of her sparkly eyes...I'd rather have not known this pain.
I don't mean to sound like I have regrets,or like I don't appreciate the few years I had with her,Its just the pain is so much more than I can wrap my head around..
So yes,I do believe that the quote is CRAP!!
I do believe that It is NOT better to have Loved and Lost than to have never loved at all....
I miss her sooooo very much,I don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Say the name of my child.....

(I got this beautiful poem when I went to the Haven of Hope retreat. It really made soooo much sence to me. I wish that others would so get this....I inserted Nevaeh's name... For other mother's who are in my shoes feel free to use this poem for your child.)
Never is the name of my child mentioned to me.
A curtain descends.Then moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.
There are exceptions;close and compassionate friends,sensitive and Loving family.
For most,the drama is over.
The spotlight is off.Applause is silent.
But for me the play will never end.
The effects on me are timeless.
Say the Name of my Child to me.
NEVAEH
On the stage of My Life my child has been both lead and supporting actor.
So do not tiptoe around the greatest event in my life!
LOVE does not die.
My child's name is written on my life.
The sound of the voice replays within my mind.
You feel my child is dead.
I feel my child is of the dead and still lives.
You say she was my child I say "is".
Say the name to me and say it again!
NEVAEH

It hurts to bury the memory in silence.
What is in flesh lies buried miles away.
What is in spirit stirs within me always.
My child is of my past but is part of my now.
My hope for the future.
You say not to remind me.
How little you understand I cannot forget.
I would not if I could.
I understand you,but feel pain in being forced to do so.
I forgive you,Because you cannot know.
And I would forgive you anyway.
I accept how you see me,but understand that you see me not at all.
I strive not to judge you,for yesterday I was like you.
I love you;will make no expectations toward you.
But I wish that you could understand that I dwell both in flesh and in spirit.
The mystery is that you do too,but know it not.
I do not ask you to walk this road.
The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.
I walk it not by choice.
I would rather walk with my child in flesh,
Looking not to spirit roads beyond.
I am what I have to be.
What I have lost you cannot feel.
What I have gained you cannot see.
And I would not have you.
Say my child's name for my child is alive in me!
NEVAEH
We will meet again,though in many ways we have never parted.
What life plays light songs on my mind.
Sunsets and Sunrises on my dreams.
My child is real and shadow,was and is.
Say the name to me...
NEVAEH
And say it again!
NEVAEH
My child is MY child and I LOVE as I always did.
Say the name of my child....
AUTHOR: UNKNOWN














Thursday, July 19, 2012

Remembering her.....

There is NO pain like losing a child....
Not losing a parent,not losing a spouce,or a pet...yes ladies,I said pet! I had a person come up to me once and tel me she understood how I felt because she had to bury her pet!!!! Are you serious!!!!
Anyways back to what i was getting at.
This pain that I carry is only understood by other mothers that have had children that now reside in Heaven.
I think it is important for me to be around other moms that KNOW this pain,
Tonight some ladies that KNOW are getting together for dinner,to talk,and laugh,and cry if need be....And NOONE will think they are crazy for doing it.
I am looking foward to meeting them.
One of my Besties had the great idea of doing lanterns at the beach....to remember.
No that we coule EVER forget,but this is something just for them.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about doing tings like this for our children,doing them together.
We talked about how Nevaeh is surely being BIG sister to Jenna and her Anabelle.
Nevaeh LOVED Jenna even though she never met her,she talked about her and sent her gifts to heaven ....I imagine her taking care of those babies nad loving them....
I miss her so very much....

Friday, July 13, 2012

seems like this new reality of mine is so hard to grasp,I cant breathe here,my mind cannto funcion in a world where Nevaeh does not exhist anymore,my heart cannot heal this side of heaven.Nothing makes sence,everything hurts,from the top of my head to the soles of my feet....it all hurts literally.....
Last night as i tried to pray I asked God a question that I knew had no responce I could understand....
 so much pain and heartache that I cannot see anymore....

I miss her sooooooo very much,no words can even describe that feeling of emptyness without  her....none....
I miss her smile. What a beautiful smile she had......

I miss her eyes.... those sparkly dark brown eyes and those lashes that went on for miles....

I miss her voice,I loved when she would sing and dance...
video

I miss her silliness....


                                                I miss her beauty......

                                                  
                                I miss everything about her that made her Nevaeh.....

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Dear Nevaeh,


Hello my sweet princess.I hope heaven is as beautiful to you as I imagine it to be. I hope your days are filled with happiness,love,and lots and lots of sparkle.
I miss you Nevaeh,I miss saying your name out loud,I miss you running to see me when I say your name.I miss your giggles,and your voice,and that sweet smell of yours.A mixture of cupcakes and wings entwined together....heavenly.
I miss you dancing,and singing,and fighting,and whispering.Well at least trying to whisper because you were not that great at whispering.
video

When I think of you,or see your pictures my heart aches and my stomach feels weak.I cant breathe for that moment and the tears start.Holding them back seems like such an effort,an effort that by brain cannot understand,so they flow...unstoppable. I heard some place that you cannot see me in heaven,I hope that is true. I cannot imagine you seeing me a weeping mess everyday,I hope you just know that I love you and will never ever forget you....
Til the day that heaven comes for me...







Monday, July 2, 2012

new journey...

Today marks the start of a new journey for me....looking for a fresh new beginning with my relationship with God.
Though I know it wont be easy, I know it is what I have to do.
I have been so confused about my feelings towards him and at this retreat I went to called Haven of Hope I found it...
Although I believe in him,and Love him I lost trust in him.
I trusted he would let her live,I trusted he would heal her,and when he didnt I lost trust in him.Yes I know that sounds bad but its true.
So opening my bible was not possible because i opened it before and found hope in his word that Nevaeh would live.And when she died I didnt see a purpose in trusting his word. I know now that one step at a time and one word at a time I will find it again.
but i have to want it,and I do want it.With all my heart I want it.
I dont look fo rhealing in the sence of losing my daughter I look for it in the sence of healing my trust in the Lord.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Lost in myself

I have lost myself in this grief..I have lost who I once was.
And honestly I cant even remember who that person was.

All i feel is pain,sadness,heartbrokeness and confustion....

I am drowning in this confustion more than anything. I dont know
whats harder seeing her pictures or not seeing them,hearing her
name or not hearing her name,being around people who pretend she
didnt exhist or being around those that say her name
freely....

Being around friends that listen to my craziness or just being alone.
My mind is all over the place.i feel safe nowhere...



I went to my parents for a week,I always feel a sence of security there,out in the country,away from everything,away from normalcy,well my normalcy anyways...but it still wasnt right,it still felt empty....She wasnt there...she didnt bring daddy a handmade father's day card like she always did,she didnt help mama make cookies or the fathers day pineapple upside down cake we made...She didnt pick out her daddy's shirts we got him,she wasnt there to sleep with me,she wasnt there to take father's day pictures with us all or there to play at the beach with her uncle frank...she wasnt there...
I dont know where i am anymore,or who I am..I miss her so very much...I know she is ok,I know she is no longer in pain,I know I will see her again one day...But it still hurts...its still hard to breathe.
When I see her beautiful face in pictures my hearts hurts,literaly.When I hear her name it sounds foriegn...like its been forever sence i last called out her name...I dont want to feel that way. I want to hear her name i want to say it and not feel pain...I want to go back n time and see where i went wrong and fix it...
Sometimes i feel like God punished me for being so horrible before,for causing so much pain to my loved ones,if only i could fix it.
The world continues to spin,to go on without her,lives continue to function and people forget...
But my life doesnt seem to go to on,my life doesnt function,and i never want to forget.
Waking up in the mornings just doesnt happen amymore,sleeping all day makes the days go by faster,staying inside is so much easier then being around people.
The other day at my moms I saw an aunt of mine that I hadnt seen in over 10yrs.It was really nice to see her,she told me she didnt bring up Nevaeh to me because she didnt want to hurt me,i told her it hurts no matter what....She cried and told me she could see it in my face..
I wonder if its like a stamp on my forehead saying: beware heartbroken.
I wonder if its visible to the world...I wonder if its visible to Nevaeh...I wonder if she sees my pain,if she sees life without her is unbearable,i wonder  if she knows the only thing that keeps me from being with her is her daddy and her brothers,they dont deserve to hurt anymore....
i try to see beyond the rain but the rain only stops for seconds at a time...
im lost in this pain....

I miss her so very much

Monday, April 23, 2012

Still Standing....

A great froup of women (me included) have created this online magazine called Still Standing.Its an online magazine that is inspired by parents that have lost children or infertility.Its All geared to break the silence, encourage healing, and help you to embrace life after loss. Please follow us on Facebook to keep up with things while we prepare for the big launch and share new ideas and ask for your feedback! :) https://www.facebook.com/StillStandingMAG We'd love to chat with you! -
I hope that this will encourage families and help the healing abit easier.My awesome BFF Fran is the master mind to all this and with some help from these awesome ladies this will be a big help.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Getting started

I am starting this newest project,this blog,this organization,and this new hope...
I have decided to create a non-profit organization in my daughter's memory:Nevaeh's Gift
To finish what she started...
I plan on continuing the quilts for the children in the Cancer Center and raising money for the Leukemia &Lymphoma Society.And now I plan to sell her postcards to others that are planning on fundraising for their charities or organizations.I figure this will be a way of helping others raise money for their cause and to share Nevaeh's artwork with the world.I hope that you will join this journey with me,with all the great new ideas,and projects,all the great memories and even all the hard moments.My daughter Nevaeh will live on through this great hope.And through this all I share with you Nevaeh's Gift.