Lost in myself

I have lost myself in this grief..I have lost who I once was.
And honestly I cant even remember who that person was.

All i feel is pain,sadness,heartbrokeness and confustion....

I am drowning in this confustion more than anything. I dont know
whats harder seeing her pictures or not seeing them,hearing her
name or not hearing her name,being around people who pretend she
didnt exhist or being around those that say her name
freely....
Being around friends that listen to my craziness or just being alone.
My mind is all over the place.i feel safe nowhere...

I went to my parents for a week,I always feel a sence of security there,out in the country,away from everything,away from normalcy,well my normalcy anyways...but it still wasnt right,it still felt empty....She wasnt there...she didnt bring daddy a handmade father's day card like she always did,she didnt help mama make cookies or the fathers day pineapple upside down cake we made...She didnt pick out her daddy's shirts we got him,she wasnt there to sleep with me,she wasnt there to take father's day pictures with us all or there to play at the beach with her uncle frank...she wasnt there...
I dont know where i am anymore,or who I am..I miss her so very much...I know she is ok,I know she is no longer in pain,I know I will see her again one day...But it still hurts...its still hard to breathe.
When I see her beautiful face in pictures my hearts hurts,literaly.When I hear her name it sounds foriegn...like its been forever sence i last called out her name...I dont want to feel that way. I want to hear her name i want to say it and not feel pain...I want to go back n time and see where i went wrong and fix it...
Sometimes i feel like God punished me for being so horrible before,for causing so much pain to my loved ones,if only i could fix it.
The world continues to spin,to go on without her,lives continue to function and people forget...
But my life doesnt seem to go to on,my life doesnt function,and i never want to forget.
Waking up in the mornings just doesnt happen amymore,sleeping all day makes the days go by faster,staying inside is so much easier then being around people.
The other day at my moms I saw an aunt of mine that I hadnt seen in over 10yrs.It was really nice to see her,she told me she didnt bring up Nevaeh to me because she didnt want to hurt me,i told her it hurts no matter what....She cried and told me she could see it in my face..
I wonder if its like a stamp on my forehead saying: beware heartbroken.
I wonder if its visible to the world...I wonder if its visible to Nevaeh...I wonder if she sees my pain,if she sees life without her is unbearable,i wonder  if she knows the only thing that keeps me from being with her is her daddy and her brothers,they dont deserve to hurt anymore....
i try to see beyond the rain but the rain only stops for seconds at a time...
im lost in this pain....

I miss her so very much