Saturday, October 13, 2012

one year ago...need your help

It's coming so fast...a whole year since last holding her,tears just overflow my eyes till the vision is all gone...all that's left is painful floods of emotions. I miss her more than I could ever explain...
Sometimes I feel as though the pain itself of living without her will surely kill me. Is it possible to die from a broken heart???
So as this year approaches my husband and I have decided to get off work,and the kids off school and be all together. We want to spend the day doing things for her,things she would of enjoyed. So first we will go to the butterfly museum and then have a picnic at Hermann Park.( After her Dr's app me,her,and her daddy would have a little picnic at the park in the grass,then feed the ducks).
After that I am not too sure what we can do...I mean what do you do to honor them but not make it sad....I know we are going to be sad and maybe even cry...but I'm trying not to...Any ideas???
If anyone has any ideas please leave a comment.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Painful reminders....

Seems like lately things have been hard,i mean super hard. No,the anger hasnt came back. But the hurt is deep and the painof not having her here is raw....

We took the kids to Trader's Village the other day,I was looking around and the lady at the stand was having a discussion with her teen daughter. Not so much an argument but perhaps a disagreement. The lady started walking towards me and said to me(talking about her daughter sense she was frustrated with her) "Do you want a daughter?"
I was speechless...what could I say to that?? I wanted to say,you have no idea lady how much i want MY daughter!!! Or are u Stupid lady,you should really think about your words....but I said nothing.... I acted like I didn't even hear her,like nothing was ever said,as I bet my bottom lip I wanted to cry.

Oh man,How I miss her,the tears come so much more often in the day,I try to stop them but I cant. I keep thinking about the good memories we have with our princess and what a glittery mess she was!
I try and see the beauty in her life and in what she still does in her death....I would give it all up to have her back.
To smell her sweet scent,to feel her wet smoochy kisses,to be enveloped in her big,warm hugs,to hear that squeaky lovely voice,to heat that exaggerated,loud bellowing laugh of hers, the silly over the top faces she would make that would have you  laughing in tears,the crazy outrageous things that would come out of her mouth,the funny words she would say and make up..... I wish I could have it all back...have her back.
Reality is a slap in the face.I wont have her back...She is gone.
The other day my cousin called me so excited that she dreamt of Nevaeh,How sweet it was for me to hear that my princess visited her in a dream...I wondered why she never visits mine?
Does she think it would hurt too much,does she think I am not strong enough...I wish I could tell her to visit my dreams...But maybe she would be right,maybe it would be too much.
the year mark is sneaking up on me...I don't know how its going to be for us but we have decided to have a Nevaeh day. Fili and I will get off work and the kids will miss school that day and we will have a Nevaeh day. Go and do something she loved and spend the day for me...
Sigh,we will see how that goes....
Its almost a year..and I wish I could tell you its better...but its not. I am in a different place but I cannot say its better. Just different....