Sunday, July 29, 2012

Is it better to have loved and lost then never loved at all??

I was having a conversation about the lose of our children and how everyone is so different in their grieving. Yes our pain is all so strong,and profound but we all are so very different.
I have been pondering on this famous quote and I have come to the conclusion that this quote is CRAP!
Before I ever became pregnant with my daughter Nevaeh I was fine,sure I had obstacles with my boys.Having a son that is autistic and another who is hearing impaired can equal a house full of chaos.  But that was normal... My heart was full and content.
Then a deep desired dream that was hidden in the deep abyss of my heart happened....I found out I was pregnant.I didn't know I was pregnant because according to the Dr's I had too many women problems. Anyways I didn't know I was already 14weeks along...My heart was so full because of my boys,instead of expanding it simply over flowed.....And continued to overflow like a water fountain for 6 sweet years...
Then when she got sick at 4 yrs old,I never imagined that she would die.I knew she would go through alot of pain and suffering but I KNEW she would NOT die!
Then he took her....he gave me the greatest LOVE in the world and took it from me.
A cruel,cruel joke in my eyes....
And as crazy as this may sound to others I would rather have never known this beautiful love,Id rather have not known the sweet precious smile of my Nevaeh, I'd rather not have seen the loveliness of her sparkly eyes...I'd rather have not known this pain.
I don't mean to sound like I have regrets,or like I don't appreciate the few years I had with her,Its just the pain is so much more than I can wrap my head around..
So yes,I do believe that the quote is CRAP!!
I do believe that It is NOT better to have Loved and Lost than to have never loved at all....
I miss her sooooo very much,I don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Say the name of my child.....

(I got this beautiful poem when I went to the Haven of Hope retreat. It really made soooo much sence to me. I wish that others would so get this....I inserted Nevaeh's name... For other mother's who are in my shoes feel free to use this poem for your child.)
Never is the name of my child mentioned to me.
A curtain descends.Then moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.
There are exceptions;close and compassionate friends,sensitive and Loving family.
For most,the drama is over.
The spotlight is off.Applause is silent.
But for me the play will never end.
The effects on me are timeless.
Say the Name of my Child to me.
On the stage of My Life my child has been both lead and supporting actor.
So do not tiptoe around the greatest event in my life!
LOVE does not die.
My child's name is written on my life.
The sound of the voice replays within my mind.
You feel my child is dead.
I feel my child is of the dead and still lives.
You say she was my child I say "is".
Say the name to me and say it again!

It hurts to bury the memory in silence.
What is in flesh lies buried miles away.
What is in spirit stirs within me always.
My child is of my past but is part of my now.
My hope for the future.
You say not to remind me.
How little you understand I cannot forget.
I would not if I could.
I understand you,but feel pain in being forced to do so.
I forgive you,Because you cannot know.
And I would forgive you anyway.
I accept how you see me,but understand that you see me not at all.
I strive not to judge you,for yesterday I was like you.
I love you;will make no expectations toward you.
But I wish that you could understand that I dwell both in flesh and in spirit.
The mystery is that you do too,but know it not.
I do not ask you to walk this road.
The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.
I walk it not by choice.
I would rather walk with my child in flesh,
Looking not to spirit roads beyond.
I am what I have to be.
What I have lost you cannot feel.
What I have gained you cannot see.
And I would not have you.
Say my child's name for my child is alive in me!
We will meet again,though in many ways we have never parted.
What life plays light songs on my mind.
Sunsets and Sunrises on my dreams.
My child is real and shadow,was and is.
Say the name to me...
And say it again!
My child is MY child and I LOVE as I always did.
Say the name of my child....

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Remembering her.....

There is NO pain like losing a child....
Not losing a parent,not losing a spouce,or a pet...yes ladies,I said pet! I had a person come up to me once and tel me she understood how I felt because she had to bury her pet!!!! Are you serious!!!!
Anyways back to what i was getting at.
This pain that I carry is only understood by other mothers that have had children that now reside in Heaven.
I think it is important for me to be around other moms that KNOW this pain,
Tonight some ladies that KNOW are getting together for dinner,to talk,and laugh,and cry if need be....And NOONE will think they are crazy for doing it.
I am looking foward to meeting them.
One of my Besties had the great idea of doing lanterns at the remember.
No that we coule EVER forget,but this is something just for them.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about doing tings like this for our children,doing them together.
We talked about how Nevaeh is surely being BIG sister to Jenna and her Anabelle.
Nevaeh LOVED Jenna even though she never met her,she talked about her and sent her gifts to heaven ....I imagine her taking care of those babies nad loving them....
I miss her so very much....

Friday, July 13, 2012

seems like this new reality of mine is so hard to grasp,I cant breathe here,my mind cannto funcion in a world where Nevaeh does not exhist anymore,my heart cannot heal this side of heaven.Nothing makes sence,everything hurts,from the top of my head to the soles of my all hurts literally.....
Last night as i tried to pray I asked God a question that I knew had no responce I could understand....
 so much pain and heartache that I cannot see anymore....

I miss her sooooooo very much,no words can even describe that feeling of emptyness without  her....none....
I miss her smile. What a beautiful smile she had......

I miss her eyes.... those sparkly dark brown eyes and those lashes that went on for miles....

I miss her voice,I loved when she would sing and dance...

I miss her silliness....

                                                I miss her beauty......

                                I miss everything about her that made her Nevaeh.....

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Dear Nevaeh,

Hello my sweet princess.I hope heaven is as beautiful to you as I imagine it to be. I hope your days are filled with happiness,love,and lots and lots of sparkle.
I miss you Nevaeh,I miss saying your name out loud,I miss you running to see me when I say your name.I miss your giggles,and your voice,and that sweet smell of yours.A mixture of cupcakes and wings entwined together....heavenly.
I miss you dancing,and singing,and fighting,and whispering.Well at least trying to whisper because you were not that great at whispering.

When I think of you,or see your pictures my heart aches and my stomach feels weak.I cant breathe for that moment and the tears start.Holding them back seems like such an effort,an effort that by brain cannot understand,so they flow...unstoppable. I heard some place that you cannot see me in heaven,I hope that is true. I cannot imagine you seeing me a weeping mess everyday,I hope you just know that I love you and will never ever forget you....
Til the day that heaven comes for me...

Monday, July 2, 2012

new journey...

Today marks the start of a new journey for me....looking for a fresh new beginning with my relationship with God.
Though I know it wont be easy, I know it is what I have to do.
I have been so confused about my feelings towards him and at this retreat I went to called Haven of Hope I found it...
Although I believe in him,and Love him I lost trust in him.
I trusted he would let her live,I trusted he would heal her,and when he didnt I lost trust in him.Yes I know that sounds bad but its true.
So opening my bible was not possible because i opened it before and found hope in his word that Nevaeh would live.And when she died I didnt see a purpose in trusting his word. I know now that one step at a time and one word at a time I will find it again.
but i have to want it,and I do want it.With all my heart I want it.
I dont look fo rhealing in the sence of losing my daughter I look for it in the sence of healing my trust in the Lord.