Monday, July 2, 2012

new journey...

Today marks the start of a new journey for me....looking for a fresh new beginning with my relationship with God.
Though I know it wont be easy, I know it is what I have to do.
I have been so confused about my feelings towards him and at this retreat I went to called Haven of Hope I found it...
Although I believe in him,and Love him I lost trust in him.
I trusted he would let her live,I trusted he would heal her,and when he didnt I lost trust in him.Yes I know that sounds bad but its true.
So opening my bible was not possible because i opened it before and found hope in his word that Nevaeh would live.And when she died I didnt see a purpose in trusting his word. I know now that one step at a time and one word at a time I will find it again.
but i have to want it,and I do want it.With all my heart I want it.
I dont look fo rhealing in the sence of losing my daughter I look for it in the sence of healing my trust in the Lord.

1 comment:

  1. Hello My Dear Friend,
    Sometimes it is so hard to trust a supernatural being. We do not, nor will we ever this side of Heaven, understand Him. I've struggled with the same thing with dad. The Lord did such a work to get him on the transplant list. He opened so many door and really gave us such a hope that dad was going to make it. Being the only one on the list, he really should have gotten a liver in a matter of weeks. It never came. When one was finally available back in May, some fluke thing happened with some of his antibodies, and his kidney wouldn't be able to accept it. That was when I realized, this may not happen. It almost seemed a cruel joke that God could open so many doors, give us (especially mom)so many literal and Biblical signs of hope. (I'll have to tell you about them all sometime). After his hemorrhage and major set back on the 26th (mine and my parents anniversary, ironic huh?) that big flame of hope shrank down to just a small flicker. When were leaving the hospital with dad, going home to spend the last few days with him I really worried about mom. Would she be upset with the Lord; it almost seemed as if He had lied to her. I should have known better. This sure wasn't her first rodeo. She told me later, "You know. I'm glad the Lord gave us hope those last few months. Otherwise we would have been in deep depression. It gave us something to live for, to be happy about." Her Faith is amazing. Dee McGaughey told her and me as well, that all the promises of life, and health that that hope we were promised, really were answered. It wasn't how we wanted or even thought they would be answered, but God did heal him, and he is still alive. More than he ever was in some sense. I looked back at the verses that God gave me for dad, the verses of hope and comfort, and really Heaven answered them more completely than a transplant could. Knowing how very sick he was inside now, I'm actually a little thankful that he didn't have to suffer through such a major surgery that probably wouldn't have worked anyway.
    Again, trusting a God that never really shows you all the reasons why, or reveals the future (or even the present) is not easy, or even natural. But I've found out so many times, that he hides things from us for our benefit. The times in the past that I did think dad was dying, I was in such turmoil. I think if I knew for sure that it was happening then, I would have bee a train wreck. The gift of hope that God gave me really did get me through it. It made the journey much more peaceful and doable.
    That's one thing that I've learned about the Lord and his grace. It only works for the present, not the future. I know it will be there when I need it, but if I live in today, God's grace is there. If I think about tomorrow or all the horrible "what ifs", I fall apart.
    So my encouragement, Amy is to trust God today. Don't fret over how you'll make it through those special anniversaries without her. We'll get there soon enough. Think of today. It's not easy to be here without her, but it is doable.
    I love you and your family so much. I'm so thankful the Lord knit our hearts together! I'm praying for you. Love, Carrie