Well for me this week was hard,i felt no God, no grace, no peace, no Love.....just pain...
I went there with a different mind set then usual,i went looking for the Lord...
Its hard to pay attention to the preaching and to these great men of God when you are so full of pain,confusion,and a little bit of resentment....
resentment that she is not there....she is not running the ailes,she is not singing her favorite hymnals,she is not sleeping in my arms while the preacher is preaching....she was not there.
It all reminds me of the awful truth that I try not to think of...its almost a year..
October is almost here,memories swamp my mind and painful thoughts of what if's and why's consume my brain,so much so that I haven't slept in 2 days...no sleep at all. not even a moment....
my mind goes 100 miles an hour,it speeds through thoughts,fears,emotions of anger,sadness,and suffocating grief....it brings up tears and throat tightening swallows. No sleep just grief.
I went to work today trying to clear my mind so I can do something special for her...not only for her but for other families like mine...or families that will one day be like mine...I hate thinking one day another mother will walk in my shoes...cancer sux! kids having cancer really sux! kids are not suppose to die,their not suppose to know what cancer means and what it can do to them,they are not suppose to know this pain...Nevaeh,my beautiful princess should be here i my arms,as i ravish her in my kisses and hugs! whispering silly but sweet nothings in her ear,putting daisies and hair bows that her fav person Fran made her all up in her hair....
as I was saying I was at work today and I was nervous,but I did a good job and was so happy to be there,i feel like home there...like she wants me there,not at home,drowning in tears..but doing something to make a difference.
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