Friday, August 3, 2012

Looking back

Last family trip-six flags

the kids GOT MILK?

I sit here trying to not suffocate in this pain,I sit here looking for something to smile about,I look back at the sweet memories we shared ,like the last family vacation a few months before she relapsed....and the pic of the kids doing a Got Milk commercial days before she relapsed...
I want to be totaly honest on here and not pretend that all is well with my soul because its not! This sux!Life without my precious Nevaeh sux!
I never thought I would ever feel the emotion of being cheated,Ive heard people say that all over and over.I always thought :no,i don't feel that way....But I guess I do. I feel like I was suppose to raise her,and love her and she was my gift...that he just took back...and left a broken shattered heart in her place.
I read alot of the news stuff online sense I don't have a TV and I come across all these cases of child abuse EVERYDAY!!! babies being burned,children being molested..what the heck people!!!! I wanted my daughter more than Ive ever wanted anything in this world!!! and these people hurt their gifts from God,they hurt these babies...I don't get it!
My boys are growing so fast and don't seem to need their mama as much,They are teenagers and one is a ten yr old who is obsessed with playing video games with his uncle on line! SO mommy doesn't really interest them right now.Nevaeh was my side kick,everyone that knew us knew that she was ALWAYS with me!....I miss that...I miss her.
Ive been working on a scrapbook for her with my friend Pearl and I have to tel you its been bittersweet. I love looking at the old pics of her and talking about her with Pearl but then it hits me...she never got to go to school...she was soooo smart! and I'm not just saying that cause she is my daughter I am so serious.
I had her hair bows ready to match her uniforms,i had her black chucks with pink sparkly shoe laces,her awesome socks,her brand new bag back(that i probably spent way too much on) she was almost ready fr school.....then the relapse happened!UUUGGGHHHH!!!! I HATE cancer,I HATE that children have to die!, I HATE trying to live life without her! I HATE this pain!

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