I just wanted to let you know I miss you...I miss you more than I could ever explain, I miss you more than you could ever know. Last night I missed church...I kept thinking all week how this week makes a year that you were fighting for your life,it makes a year that the cancer fought back and the chemo decided to not work....a year ago this week you were laughing and playing and wanting to live...you were only a baby...a 6 yr old princess,who had just celebrated a birthday,who had just started getting excited about going to school....but then the relapse happened and cancer wanted a fight! he came back strong took over most of your body....but you tried,you fought as hard as you can...but I know you were tired.you had already fought for so long...almost 3yrs of constant fighting,and constant pain.
I wish so much that you didn't know this fight,that you didn't know the pain of cancer...I wish you would of never known the pain of losing your hair,not once,not twice but three times,I would of given anything for you not to know the pain of pancreatitis,or the pain of surgeries and infections,the fears of nosebleeds,and blood filled vomit,the painful sores that took over your mouth,throat and esophagus....so much for a little princess to know....
this week I stared my training at LLS,I have to tel you I'm nervous but I am doing it all for you my angel,I want to continue the fight....the fight against cancer,the fight against this pain. I met a lady there who is a leukemia survivor. I like her,shes very sweet and ask lots about you. She cried one day and told me she was sorry,sorry for what I said..Sorry that she survived and you didn't,she was angry that life happened that way. And asked if I was.....No baby I'm not.I am mad for other reasons but not because some survive and you didn't...I wish this pain on no one...I wish this emptiness in your soul and the pain that devours your whole being on NO ONE....I wish no one knew this pain...but unfortunately they do.....
I miss you Nevaeh,
I miss your smell,I miss your beautiful toothless smile,I miss you big beautiful eyes, I miss your beauty,I miss your spunkiness,and your glitter all through the house. I miss you more and more everyday....
I'm not sure how much more I can do this,live without you...a lifetime seems impossible...
I miss OUR family....
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