waterworks started early this morning.....

Today I woke up sad,and tired.my body ached and my soul was sore.
Its been pretty calm for me emotionally here lately...i cry everyday still but not so often.
I try not to let myself go there, i try not to let my mind be overcomed by this pain...
but today...well today was just hard! Everything about it was hard.
I woke up missing her, missing her more then I can say...aching for her voice,yearning for her embrace,dying to see her face.Wishing God would of just let me keep her...
I got ready for work and made breakfast for everyone before I left and wondered if she would of eaten today...if she were still here. Somedays she couldn't eat because she was so sick...but sometimes she ate really really well.
Then I packed my lunch for work..I found her hello kitty lunchbox on top of the fridge last night.So I asked my friend if it would be weird for me to use it,she didnt think so.So I planned on packing my lunch in her lunchbox....
It made me miss her more.
When I got to work I saw her pic on my desk...
It made me miss her more.
I was glad to see her smile and her sweet face.
Then a co-worker brought pics of her kids to work.Her son and her daughter....
that was a hard one...her daughter was beautiful,she was blowing out her birthday cake...she birthday cake with the number 7 on it....she was turning 7 yrs old....Nevaeh would of been 7 yrs old.(sigh)
It made me miss her even more...
Then I thought about blessings from heaven...like my job.Thats a huge huge blessing!! The people I have met there and the ones I have known sense Nevaeh was diagnosed...All awesome ladies.
The blessings of God that were nowhere to be found before...when she was sick,when she was dying.
It made me miss her even more...
I thought outloud: I would lose every material thing I have,anyone blessing I have received....just to have her back...
Just to have been able to keep her....
Just to be with my Nevaeh.
tears overflowing all day....

looking for God...

This week at our church we had camp meeting all week long,its when several preachers from all over come and preach and everyone there is looking for a little glimpse of heaven and for the power of God...It can be a pretty powerful meeting...
Well for me this week was hard,i felt no God, no grace, no peace, no Love.....just pain...
I went there with a different mind set then usual,i went looking for the Lord...
Its hard to pay attention to the preaching and to these great men of God when you are so full of pain,confusion,and a little bit of resentment....
resentment that she is not there....she is not running the ailes,she is not singing her favorite hymnals,she is not sleeping in my arms while the preacher is preaching....she was not there.
It all reminds me of the awful truth that I try not to think of...its almost a year..
October is almost here,memories swamp my mind and painful thoughts of what if's and why's consume my brain,so much so that I haven't slept in 2 days...no sleep at all. not even a moment....
my mind goes 100 miles an hour,it speeds through thoughts,fears,emotions of anger,sadness,and suffocating grief....it brings up tears and throat tightening swallows. No sleep just grief.
I went to work today trying to clear my mind so I can do something special for her...not only for her but for other families like mine...or families that will one day be like mine...I hate thinking one day another mother will walk in my shoes...cancer sux! kids having cancer really sux! kids are not suppose to die,their not suppose to know what cancer means and what it can do to them,they are not suppose to know this pain...Nevaeh,my beautiful princess should be here i my arms,as i ravish her in my kisses and hugs! whispering silly but sweet nothings in her ear,putting daisies and hair bows that her fav person Fran made her all up in her hair....
as I was saying I was at work today and I was nervous,but I did a good job and was so happy to be there,i feel  like home there...like she wants me there,not at home,drowning in tears..but doing something to make a difference.

Dear Nevaeh,

Hello my darling princess,
I just wanted to let you know I miss you...I miss you more than I could ever explain, I miss you more than you could ever know. Last night I missed church...I kept thinking all week how this week makes a year that you were fighting for your life,it makes a year that the cancer fought back and the chemo decided to not work....a year ago this week you were laughing and playing and wanting to live...you were only a baby...a 6 yr old princess,who had just celebrated a birthday,who had just started getting excited about going to school....but then the relapse happened and cancer wanted a fight! he came back strong took over most of  your body....but you tried,you fought as hard as you can...but I know you were tired.you had already fought for so long...almost 3yrs of constant fighting,and constant pain.
I wish so much that you didn't know this fight,that you didn't know the pain of cancer...I wish you would of never known the pain of losing your hair,not once,not twice but three times,I would of given anything for you not to know the pain of pancreatitis,or the pain of surgeries and infections,the fears of nosebleeds,and blood filled vomit,the painful sores that took over your mouth,throat and esophagus....so much for a little princess to know....
this week I stared my training at LLS,I have to tel you I'm nervous but I am doing it all for you my angel,I want to continue the fight....the fight against cancer,the fight against this pain. I met a lady there who is a leukemia survivor. I like her,shes very sweet and ask lots about you. She cried one day and told me she was sorry,sorry for what I said..Sorry that she survived and you didn't,she was angry that life happened that way. And asked if I was.....No baby I'm not.I am mad for other reasons but not because some survive and you didn't...I wish this pain on no one...I wish this emptiness in your soul and the pain that devours your whole being on NO ONE....I wish no one knew this pain...but unfortunately they do.....
I miss you Nevaeh,
I miss your smell,I miss your beautiful toothless smile,I miss you big beautiful eyes, I miss your beauty,I miss your spunkiness,and your glitter all through the house. I miss you more and more everyday....
I'm not sure how much more I can do this,live without you...a lifetime seems impossible...

I miss OUR family....

I see her everywhere....

I can see her everywhere and in everything...
in the movies i watch,in the stores i go,in the children i see,in the voices I hear...
shes always there...
I see her in the skies,in the clouds shapes and colors,i see her in the wildflowers that grow profusely in the fields,i see her in the butterflies that visit her garden,I see her in the laughter of her brothers....
Shes always there....
I went to open house for the boys yesterday,she should of been there...she would of been in 2nd grade...and would of had a great teacher.
It hurt to not see her name...it hurt to not have her there...
When the boys got home they watched a movie and my oldest son grabbed her picture from the piano and put it on the couch as if she were sitting there with them watching the movie....
I see her in the words that I speak, in the songs that I hear, in the beauty of my mind...
Yesterday I got a call from LLS(leukemia &lymphoma society) I do alot of fundraising for them and have always dreamed of working there...The call was a job offer! I was so excited! I thought how proud she would be of me for working there,for wanting to help make a difference,for wanting to help fight for the cause...I accepted and am more than thrilled about it all! In the back of this excitement I think,if only I could of made a difference for her...if only's run through my head all day long...but seem to be not so often.
Honestly I can see her all over this opportunity....
I will make her proud!
I miss her so very much and would trade all this to have her back....but i know it wont happen this side of heaven ...heaven cant come soon enough.

I found this poem I wrote for Nevaeh
Before she died....
Before cancer won...
Before when she fought...



My Little Warrior Princess,how strong and mighty you seem to me.
How much Grace you have upon thee.
How powerful your Lord must be,
to have given you this great strength I see.
Even on those dark bleak days
you seem to have a smile at play
Your heart is loving and at peace
a glow about you seems to release

You are my warrior so strong and brave,
all this to you God he gave.
If only I could be so strong,
If only I didn't know what all could go wrong.
If only I knew the RIGHT answer,
to help you beat this evil cancer.


My warrior princess so pretty and bright
May God continue to give you his light.
May he carry you through this valley
and see you through to the finale.
So long a journey left to go
you are a strong warrior princess with a powerful glow.
Given to you by God up above
Made with his 100% love

Cancer is so STRONG,
It has no fear,no compassion,
It does not discriminate, it does not care,
It doesn't think of innocence,it doesn't think of pain,
It doesn't think of heartache or of love....
It doesn't care she fought!It doesn't care she tried,
It doesn't care she was LOVED, It doesn't care she will be missed...

Looking back

Last family trip-six flags

the kids GOT MILK?

I sit here trying to not suffocate in this pain,I sit here looking for something to smile about,I look back at the sweet memories we shared ,like the last family vacation a few months before she relapsed....and the pic of the kids doing a Got Milk commercial days before she relapsed...
I want to be totaly honest on here and not pretend that all is well with my soul because its not! This sux!Life without my precious Nevaeh sux!
I never thought I would ever feel the emotion of being cheated,Ive heard people say that all over and over.I always thought :no,i don't feel that way....But I guess I do. I feel like I was suppose to raise her,and love her and she was my gift...that he just took back...and left a broken shattered heart in her place.
I read alot of the news stuff online sense I don't have a TV and I come across all these cases of child abuse EVERYDAY!!! babies being burned,children being molested..what the heck people!!!! I wanted my daughter more than Ive ever wanted anything in this world!!! and these people hurt their gifts from God,they hurt these babies...I don't get it!
My boys are growing so fast and don't seem to need their mama as much,They are teenagers and one is a ten yr old who is obsessed with playing video games with his uncle on line! SO mommy doesn't really interest them right now.Nevaeh was my side kick,everyone that knew us knew that she was ALWAYS with me!....I miss that...I miss her.
Ive been working on a scrapbook for her with my friend Pearl and I have to tel you its been bittersweet. I love looking at the old pics of her and talking about her with Pearl but then it hits me...she never got to go to school...she was soooo smart! and I'm not just saying that cause she is my daughter I am so serious.
I had her hair bows ready to match her uniforms,i had her black chucks with pink sparkly shoe laces,her awesome socks,her brand new bag back(that i probably spent way too much on) she was almost ready fr school.....then the relapse happened!UUUGGGHHHH!!!! I HATE cancer,I HATE that children have to die!, I HATE trying to live life without her! I HATE this pain!