Its been awhile...

it has been a while sence ive written, and its not that I havent wanted to or  that I havent came back and rerad my previous post..its just i feel like a broken record player,i feel like im stuck in a reality that...well basicly sucks!
alot has happened sence i have last written: well one nice thing that i am looking foward to is a video we made for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. We told Nevaeh's story,her whole story even about the angels..that was so freaking emotional. I am really looking forward to seeing it though and for everyone else to know her and her journey.

Last week a coworker called me into her office and told me another coworker was on my instagram and thinks i need help??? really?? what that Heck people!!
I told them that I am ok in the place that I am in,I am not angry at God for not healing her, I am not replaying that day in my head over and over again, I am not in a deep depression, I am not crying everyday .... I am in a different place.  I have a peace that my daughter is in heaven, I have joy that she is no longer hurting, no linger in pain. I explained that to them. she asked me don't you want to be happy again... I said no, I am not looking for happiness. Why would I? My daughter is dead...My world shattered and my family incomplete. I'm not looking for happiness just for grace to make it another day.
Noone looks at the fact that I am in a different place, I am going to work five days a week,I smile, I laugh, I act goofy, I dont break down everyday!
I do everything I need to do. I still hurt but I see that it is different.
I know people dont like seeing me grieve,they think i should be over it.... really??
those people just make me want to scream!

PAINFUL HOLIDAYS

Its almost Christmas....and it hurts so bad that she is not here...it feels empty,sad and quiet. Noone in the house is in the holiday spirit. Not that we havent tried because we really have, we bought a tree...its still not decorated. We didnt buy gifts,not that I didnt try.It was one emotional visit to the store after another. But dont worry the kids will get lots like they do every Christmas.
Oh how I miss my Nevaeh...how i miss her running through the house,giggling and singing. Being her cherrful self,annoying Mateo while he plays video games,making us eat all her "food" made out of Play-doh. Making "coffee" for her daddy with her tea cups.
I miss her silly faces,oh man did she have some silly faces. I miss her fast sassy comebacks and the way she looked at you like you were stupid when you tried to show her how to do something. cause of course she was princess Nevaeh and could do everything perfect. That was my spunky girl.
I try to not think anymore about the why's and the what if's. I try to think if the impact she made on others and all she is still doing....
I am trying to look at Christmas for what it is,The day Jesus was born...not about presents,or decorations,just the day Christ was born...and thats good enough for me.

I hope that everyone that reads this has a sweet Christmas.....

So hard....

Lately it seems like it has been super hard to come here,to read here,to write here and to think here.
Lots has happened since I was last here,we did a day of remembrance for her on Oct.29th. That was hard in so many ways, we had big plans of what we wanted to do but it didn't turn out that way. We did go to the butterfly museum and to eat and built a fire in the back yard,sat around and listened to music. We planned on go to the park to have a picnic in "our spot",where we used to go just me and her...my princess and her daddy. we ate,talked and fed the ducks,we pushed her in the stroller and made her laugh and she made us laugh with her craziness....
Going there was way to hard...we loved seeing the butterflies but it was all bittersweet. We didn't want to push the kids into doing anything they couldn't handle. so we left.
We thought we might talk about her and share stories that we remembered,stories that made us laugh,and stories that made us happy....but it was to hard...so we didn't. But we all knew what the other was thinking.
We took her flowers,me and the boys. Fili decided to go alone,to have daddy time with his princess. He planted pretty purple flowers around the headstone. When I went with the boys there was already a purple pumpkin there that notes from all the little kids that would of been in her class  written on it.
We took her another small pumpkin that the boys bought her and the flowers.... Oh and her princess Olivia Balloon.

We also did the walk on November 10th,that was great because I got to share her story with so many people,right after I spoke a huge orange butterfly flew in front of us and we all felt her presence,we all felt peace,and all we could do was smile....
Thanksgiving came and that was emotionally draining...I seriously need a break...
Sometimes I feel that I am always being strong,for me and for everyone else. If I let go of it all the tears might never stop,and what if I drown....

one year ago...need your help

 

It's coming so fast...a whole year since last holding her,tears just overflow my eyes till the vision is all gone...all that's left is painful floods of emotions. I miss her more than I could ever explain...

Sometimes I feel as though the pain itself of living without her will surely kill me. Is it possible to die from a broken heart???

So as this year approaches my husband and I have decided to get off work,and the kids off school and be all together. We want to spend the day doing things for her,things she would of enjoyed. So first we will go to the butterfly museum and then have a picnic at Hermann Park.( After her Dr's app me,her,and her daddy would have a little picnic at the park in the grass,then feed the ducks).

After that I am not too sure what we can do...I mean what do you do to honor them but not make it sad....I know we are going to be sad and maybe even cry...but I'm trying not to...Any ideas???

If anyone has any ideas please leave a comment.

 

 

Painful reminders....

Seems like lately things have been hard,i mean super hard. No,the anger hasnt came back. But the hurt is deep and the painof not having her here is raw....

We took the kids to Trader's Village the other day,I was looking around and the lady at the stand was having a discussion with her teen daughter. Not so much an argument but perhaps a disagreement. The lady started walking towards me and said to me(talking about her daughter sense she was frustrated with her) "Do you want a daughter?"
I was speechless...what could I say to that?? I wanted to say,you have no idea lady how much i want MY daughter!!! Or are u Stupid lady,you should really think about your words....but I said nothing.... I acted like I didn't even hear her,like nothing was ever said,as I bet my bottom lip I wanted to cry.

Oh man,How I miss her,the tears come so much more often in the day,I try to stop them but I cant. I keep thinking about the good memories we have with our princess and what a glittery mess she was!
I try and see the beauty in her life and in what she still does in her death....I would give it all up to have her back.
To smell her sweet scent,to feel her wet smoochy kisses,to be enveloped in her big,warm hugs,to hear that squeaky lovely voice,to heat that exaggerated,loud bellowing laugh of hers, the silly over the top faces she would make that would have you  laughing in tears,the crazy outrageous things that would come out of her mouth,the funny words she would say and make up..... I wish I could have it all back...have her back.
Reality is a slap in the face.I wont have her back...She is gone.
The other day my cousin called me so excited that she dreamt of Nevaeh,How sweet it was for me to hear that my princess visited her in a dream...I wondered why she never visits mine?
Does she think it would hurt too much,does she think I am not strong enough...I wish I could tell her to visit my dreams...But maybe she would be right,maybe it would be too much.
the year mark is sneaking up on me...I don't know how its going to be for us but we have decided to have a Nevaeh day. Fili and I will get off work and the kids will miss school that day and we will have a Nevaeh day. Go and do something she loved and spend the day for me...
Sigh,we will see how that goes....
Its almost a year..and I wish I could tell you its better...but its not. I am in a different place but I cannot say its better. Just different....

So Its been awhile...

Lots has happened sence last time I was here,Lots of good things and some confusion in the mix.
I find myself in a different place I was before,a little bit of healing has helped my soul....
Someone told me the other day,I know your mad at God and you have every right to be. I thought about it awhile and didn't know how to respond. I thought about it more when I got home and figured this out: I am no longer mad,or angry...I am not too sure what I am but i know its not either mad or angry. i cant say this will not change cause I just don't know but now all I want is a relationship with God. I want to absorb the beauty of his gifts and dwell on the FACT that Nevaeh is no longer hurting,she is no longer in pain and IS in Heaven. and I know this not because I choose to believe this but because she told me. God gave me that gift through her and I so want to embrace it.
I am LOVING my job and the relationships I have built there.I am grateful for this gift from God. I have been given open doors to share Nevaeh's story and gift of Hope. The other day I had the privilege to go to TCH and share her story in front of lots of doctors,nurses,child life and so on...
I was with my good friend Fran and we both shared the journeys we went through with our beautiful daughters. It was hard,emotional and bitter sweet but it was so worth sharing.
I find myself in a place I want to stay,not fixed but working with the broken pieces of myself...doing the best I can to show the world God's Gift and the strength of his promises.

waterworks started early this morning.....

Today I woke up sad,and tired.my body ached and my soul was sore.
Its been pretty calm for me emotionally here lately...i cry everyday still but not so often.
I try not to let myself go there, i try not to let my mind be overcomed by this pain...
but today...well today was just hard! Everything about it was hard.
I woke up missing her, missing her more then I can say...aching for her voice,yearning for her embrace,dying to see her face.Wishing God would of just let me keep her...
I got ready for work and made breakfast for everyone before I left and wondered if she would of eaten today...if she were still here. Somedays she couldn't eat because she was so sick...but sometimes she ate really really well.
Then I packed my lunch for work..I found her hello kitty lunchbox on top of the fridge last night.So I asked my friend if it would be weird for me to use it,she didnt think so.So I planned on packing my lunch in her lunchbox....
It made me miss her more.
When I got to work I saw her pic on my desk...
It made me miss her more.
I was glad to see her smile and her sweet face.
Then a co-worker brought pics of her kids to work.Her son and her daughter....
that was a hard one...her daughter was beautiful,she was blowing out her birthday cake...she birthday cake with the number 7 on it....she was turning 7 yrs old....Nevaeh would of been 7 yrs old.(sigh)
It made me miss her even more...
Then I thought about blessings from heaven...like my job.Thats a huge huge blessing!! The people I have met there and the ones I have known sense Nevaeh was diagnosed...All awesome ladies.
The blessings of God that were nowhere to be found before...when she was sick,when she was dying.
It made me miss her even more...
I thought outloud: I would lose every material thing I have,anyone blessing I have received....just to have her back...
Just to have been able to keep her....
Just to be with my Nevaeh.
tears overflowing all day....